Entry #20 Infertility Awareness Week 2022

 I didn't realize an infertility awareness week existed until a friend of mine posted about it! I usually try to post something during Adoption Month to help bring awareness to the wonderful ways adoption completed our family. I felt a little tug on my heart to share this post for infertility week, in case it might encourage others out there struggling with becoming a mom or dad.

For those who followed my journey towards motherhood closely, you may remember some of these details. Whether you are new or not, you may be the person who needs the encouragement or you may know someone who needs this encouragement. Just last week, my sister and I were able to share this very blog with our server at the restaurant we were eating at, so I know it is still impacting other women out there. I am happy to continue the outreach of spreading God's hope that God knows the desires of your heart, no matter how hard it may be in the moment.

My husband and I both were having a hard time getting pregnant for about two years. We tried seeking advice from my OB-GYN, using ovulation kits, and eventually tried IUI three times. After many tests, the outcome was infertility due to unknown reasons. At the time, I was 40 and the idea of trying IVF seemed to be the last option for a biological child. The risk was high because it cost about $25K and there was a 5-10% chance of it working. During this whole process, my husband and I were also looking into adoption because we were hoping to adopt a child from the start of our marriage, we just had no idea when we would and how to start that process. 

As I blogged about our journey, many prayed and some offered advice. Sometimes that advice was not lined up with what God was telling us. For instance, one person said they would pay any cost whatsoever to have a child. That thought started playing in my head. Was I doing enough to have a child? Was I going to be a mom? Was I missing my chance? Did I need to do IVF? What if it didn't work, did we just waste the money we just saved up? Would we have to take out a loan to cover another $25K-40K for another round of IVF and adoption? This was one of my moments of weakness when I didn't cast my anxieties on the Lord. Psalms 55:22 "Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall."

This was during the month of October 2019. My husband and I made an appointment at the infertility clinic that we had been to many times. We had asked many people to pray for something that we felt like God was going to work out during this month.  We weren't sure what it was, but I wanted to be sure I was doing all I needed to do to become a mom. We signed all the paperwork that went with the IVF process and started taking all of the necessary vitamins. The following month would be the injections and removal and transfer process. We chose to wait until November for this because we just felt so strongly that something was going to happen in October, but we had no idea what.  

Then, guess what? On the evening of October 30, we got a call about a baby girl about to be born!  We were asked if we would want to adopt her!! We flew out and met our baby girl on the LAST day of OCTOBER!

Once we met her, we knew our family was complete. We cancelled all of the IVF appointments and just knew our baby girl was what God was working out. God knew. We did not. God asks us to trust Him. We did as best as we could (in our humanly way) and our prayers were answered in better ways than we could ever have hoped for.

As I type this, I think about how fortunate I am. I get to stay home with her, I get to play with her, go places with her and be her mom.  I wouldn't have it any other way. I know these moments don't last. Yes, sometimes I cry spontaneously, knowing too soon she will be in kindergarten, one day we won't have everyday together to do as we please, one day she will be too big for me to just pick her up in my arms, one day she will want to explore the world without me. And that will all be okay because that will mean I have helped her become her own person and she has hopefully grown into the woman God intends her to be. But for now, I'll hug her tight, hold her little hands, kiss her face, sit her in my lap to read to her, enjoy our daily activities and savor every moment, no matter how tired I am. 

And so, back to the purpose of this blog. If you are struggling with infertility, just know that God knows your struggles. For whatever reason, He has you going on your path, He will bring you through it. Seek His guidance by reading the Bible, listening for His voice, praying for discernment and guidance, and asking trusted people around you to join in your journey. I have friends who have had successful IUIs and IVFs and fostered and adopted! No matter how you become a mom or dad, once you do, there’s just no other love like it. 

And just as I needed to be careful with whose advice I listened to, you do as well. Even when reading this. My journey will not be your journey. Our struggles and path towards parenthood may be different. It’s okay! Even our feelings of being a mother may be different. I was just at the playground and another mom was telling us how she had to get out of the house and it she was not good for her mentally to be home all day. Some moms work remotely, at home or at the work place and pull off the amazing feat of motherhood. Some quit their job to stay home. Some work part time. There’s so many other situations out there! Anytime I would talk to others in person about my journey, I would tell them you have to be open to any path God may be leading you on and only you will truly know it. The same goes for once you become a mom. You have to do what you know is best for you and your family and only you truly know what God is leading you to. 

I love Hosanna Wong’s explanation of we are all running a marathon race in life and each of our races look different. When you start looking to other peoples’ lanes, you start to trip up and lose course. We only need to be looking up to God to reach our finish line. 

Entry #19 Cousins' Love!

What a joyous two years it has been, watching my nieces love my daughter. And watching that love grow in so many ways. Growing up with three siblings, it’s been my dream to have a daughter of my own and for her to experience that same sibling love. When we had the opportunity to adopt our daughter, I hoped that my nieces would love her as their younger sister.

I’ve been a close part of my niece’s lives since their birth so it was very important for them to be a close part of my own child’s life. In lieu of the nine months of pregnancy to prepare our nieces for a new baby cousin, we took the time to prepare them for a possible adoptive cousin we were praying for. We prayed together about us becoming parents and talked about God giving us a little baby when and how He wants. When my older niece asked when I would become a mommy, I would say “When God wants me to, will you pray with me about it?” Sometimes we would pray right there, sometimes she would ask to pray, and sometimes I would say we have to wait for God to answer that prayer.

Then, boom!, we were parents! When we came home as a family of three, my nieces (and whole family) got to meet our daughter that very same day! The girls were beyond excited to see her and hold her. And show her her nursery and feed her.

In the days and weeks that followed, we answered questions and taught the terms to use. I had read and listened to advice and help in a variety of formats: books, podcasts, articles, friends who have adopted. One thing that I appreciated was saying that my baby grew in my heart and grew in her birth mother’s tummy. We explained the terms of biological and birth mother. When my nieces would ask, “Where is Maddy’s mom?” I would gently explain that “I am Maddy’s mom, and her birth mom is still in her home state.” We explained how we are our daughter’s parents. When explaining the idea of an adoption plan, we kept it simple. We would say Maddy’s birth mother knew we wanted to be parents and made a very hard decision to give her the best life possible. And when we don’t know an answer, we aren’t afraid to say, “We don’t know, but that’s how God worked it out.” The girls know these terms now and seem to understand because after two years, we don’t have to explain much. My nieces love my daughter as their little sister. Even on our Adoption Day in court, the girls promised the judge to love my daughter like a sister.

That love comes alive when they take turns picking her up like a koala. When they say “chase Daddy” and play tag. When they let her have the toy they are playing with because my daughter is still learning to share. When they ask to feed her and help take care of her. When they read to her and teach her new words. When the three of them walk together, all holding hands. When they all hug each other and make the most precious giggles I have ever heard. Recently, we were at Universal Studios and my mom let the girls pick out a toy she would buy them. My older niece picked out a plush baby Grinch and said she wanted to use her money to buy that for Maddy. Oh my heart!!

These are moments I cherish. And thank God for. I thank Him for letting me be the aunt to my lovely nieces. I thank Him for making me a mom. I thank Him each day for bringing Maddy to us and letting me be her mom. I thank Him for showing us ways to love one another. I thank Him for allowing us to enjoy life together.

I thank Him for showing us the pure love that children have. And I pray that I can always see that and have that same kind of love for others.

Entry #18 My Daughter is Two?!

My daughter is two years old?! Two years old? Two!

Just two years ago to the day, my husband and I received a call, asking us if we would like to adopt a baby girl that was about to be born. Even still to this day, when I let my mind ponder the full story it brings tears of happiness. Within an hour of receiving the call, we said yes! Within a few hours, we booked flights to Arizona and packed all sorts of things. By the next morning, we went to work for a few hours to tidy up loose ends because we anticipated being gone for two weeks due to adoption paperwork. Within twenty-four hours we landed in Arizona, got picked up by our cousins and drove home with them. Within minutes we got a call that the power of attorney was given to us, at which point we couldn’t get to the hospital fast enough to meet the precious baby who would become our daughter.

Fast forward two years later, it’s easy to forget all of the challenges that came before getting to become Maddy’s parents. There might be other women who don’t know my story, who look at me with Maddy and think, I wish I could be a mom like her. I wish I could have a daughter like that. Why can’t I be a mom? I know there have to be women thinking that because those thoughts used to creep into my head at times. Thankfully I kept hope in God that He put a desire for me to become a mom and I trusted that He would allow me to become a mom one day, no matter how it was going to happen. And now that I am a mom, I certainly don’t take it for granted. Each day is a gift.

Thinking about each day being a gift hits even harder in our current world. After my maternity leave, I went back to work for four weeks until spring break, at which time schools went remote for the remainder of the year. Then the following year, because of the state of everything, we decided I would stay home with Maddy. I am so thankful for the decision and am still able to stay home with her. I am so fortunate to be able to do so still. At the same time, I didn’t get to say bye to any of my colleagues. Some of them are at different work locations, some retired. The people in attendance at our last school gathering -- that same group of people will never work at the same school together again. I’ll never be with that same group of people again. There’s a little sadness in that because of my care for my colleagues and not getting to say a goodbye to some.

But sometimes having to say goodbye, means getting to say hello. Because I’ve had to say goodbyes in some aspects of my career, it has brought wonderful hellos in my family life. I have become a full time mom, one of my biggest dreams I actually didn’t think was possible. I have been more involved in my niece’s lives, which in turn have brought them closer to my daughter. But I also know this life stage is temporary. My older niece is already eight. It seems she was just two herself, which is why I savor every day at home with my daughter. Before I know it, our time at home together will be done, which makes me emotional just typing it. Before I know it, she will be growing up, growing older each year. And that’s why I am happy to enjoy the present. Enjoy the moments that God gives me now.

Tomorrow isn’t promised and tomorrow will be different. But God’s love is promised and doesn’t change. And I can promise to love my daughter and love my family and love my friends. I don’t want my focus to be on goodbyes, but rather focus on hellos that can show and share love. And for now, I know it’s okay to show my daughter as much love as I can.

Entry # 17 Being a Mom Is

Do you ever feel guilty as a mom? Do you ever feel like a bad mom? Do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough as a mom? If you answered yes or kinda to at least one of these questions, this blog is for you!

Quite a few of my colleagues became moms shortly after I did, which was really neat because I was able to check in with them at various times to see how motherhood was going. (Some of these women were on my Mommy Monday prayer wall! It is so amazing to see what God does over the years.) These women are such talented educators and so dedicated to their jobs. I just knew each of them would make such loving and caring mothers. But guess what? Some of them didn’t think so or at different points doubted their abilities of being a mom! The questions I asked in the above paragraph are because of the feelings these new moms conveyed to me.

Feelings like, motherhood is so much tougher than I thought, I must be doing something wrong. The first few months are so hard all I could do was survive. I didn’t get anything done, instead I just played with my baby. See how these feelings led to those questions?

Each time I heard this, I offered the most amount of encouragement I could and sent Bible verses when applicable. My words of encouragement were hopefully helpful, but not enough to conquer feelings of guilt, inadequacy or regret.

Let’s do a little exercise. You might want to write this down or make a note on your phone.

First, write down about five of the character traits you want to pass on to your child. I’ll share five of mine, but don’t peek until you write yours!

1. Your answer
2. Your answer
3. Your answer
4. Your answer
5. Your answer


Okay, now let me share mine:
1. Love

2. Kindness
3. Caring
4. Sharing
5. Helpful

Second, write down a way you can model each one for your child. For instance, what do you do, or can you do, with your baby/child that will help them see these character traits? I’ll share an example of each one below that I’m working on with my own toddler. 

1. Love - I say, “I love you” throughout the day, I give her kisses and hugs, and ask her to give hugs and kisses.

2. Kindness - I use a soft tone when speaking to her and when correcting her.

3. Caring - We play pretend with her doll to feed her and brush her hair.

4. Sharing - We share food when appropriate and I ask her to give toys to her cousins when they play -- still learning this!

5. Helpful - When she needs help, I say, “Do you want Mommy to help?” I also ask her to help with simple tasks and praise her for doing so.


Now look at your sentences and examine them. How are you teaching those traits to your child? My answers are all traits I teach and model through time together. So while I have many tasks to do, I don’t let myself get overwhelmed or feel guilty about letting them be at times. I know spending time with my daughter is having lifelong effects on her. It’s helping her to become the most amazing person she can be. If I am able to focus on the important things I hope my daughter will acquire a little more each day, then I know my time is being well used. I don’t feel guilty for having fun with my daughter. Spending undivided time with her requires my full attention.


Okay, if you liked that little exercise, here’s another.

First, write down the reasons why you may feel like you’re not doing this motherhood thing right. I’ll be very honest and share a couple of mine too. But don’t peek until you write yours!

1. Your answer
2. Your answer


Okay, here are mine:

1. I’ve heard so many people say, don’t let your child sleep in bed with you! But, our daughter falls asleep in my arms, or my husband’s arms.

2. I had no idea giving babies formula was such a judged thing!

Whew, that’s hard to write out and articulate. Especially knowing I’m sharing with others! (Feel free to write to me and share yours!) Now, we need to conquer these inadequacies with truth! You can read mine to get an idea if you need help! But make sure to battle these lies that are in your head.

Truths:

Lie - People telling me how to do a sleep routine.

Truth - I love cuddling with my baby and she loves it too! Not many people are willing to share, but their kids sleep in the bed too! I learned very quickly some great advice from my sister. So many people will tell you what to do with your child, but you need to do what’s best and do what you know is working. Yes, I read BabyWise and it helped with a great routine. Yes, I read a few other books, plenty of blogs, watched videos and learned so much! I also learned what to adapt for my child and what wouldn’t be relevant. God created each of us so uniquely, we have to learn, research, listen to, and find what’s best for our children. Once you find it, own it! Know you’re such a good mommy for wanting to know all this!


Lie - You’re using formula?! Thankfully, I didn’t have anyone directly judge me for this, but I learned of this when mothers who were breastfeeding were having a hard time producing milk and didn’t want to “resort to formula”.

Truth - My daughter is adopted, so breastfeeding wasn’t an option for me in my situation. Therefore, I can’t relate to these feelings and I don’t understand how the body reacts after giving birth because I know there are all kinds of emotions that take place. But I will say, my daughter is healthy and thriving and doing just fine after being formula fed since her birth. Many people say, “Nothing is better than giving your baby breastmilk.” True and I’m so happy for those who can. But what about this, “Nothing is worse than your baby being malnourished.” Give your baby what you can to keep them healthy. My sister, who breastfed her daughters, told me that there is so much to do when caring for a newborn/infant, that if you can’t produce milk, just do the formula. She wishes moms would understand it’s okay and to give yourself a break. She has shared that advice too many times with her mommy friends.


Did you write a truth to overcome that lie that is bringing you down? Would you be willing to share a comment for other moms to be encouraged?

I had two goals for this blog . One was to help you overcome feelings of doubt, inadequacy and regret. I hope the two little exercises started you on that path. The other goal was to address the unspoken part of motherhood. Mothers know we are dedicated to the well-being of our children. The amount of time that physically happens changes during various stages and ages of our children. For example, wherever I walked around the house, my baby wanted to come with me, so each task was done holding her. Now that she can walk, she can follow me around! It’s a little less physical work on my end! I’m going to guess motherhood mentally occupies our minds constantly, no matter the stage or age! And we mothers get it! That’s why I try to encourage other mothers whenever I can. There are so many directions we can be pulled in, so many tasks and errands to complete, so many people to communicate with, so much to do! Shouldn’t we give each other encouragement and cheer each other on? The five character traits I hope to teach and model for my daughter are ones I aim to show towards fellow mommies.

Sometimes humans aren’t the source for the encouragement (unfortunately). But do you know who always is? God. God can offer you hope, confidence and love. Here’s one of my favorite Bible verses. It is from Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God knows where you are right now, what you’re struggling with, and what you need. We just have to reach out, pray, read His Word from the Bible and listen to what He shares with us.

Oh, I’m already on page three of this blog post! And I feel like I have so much more to say! However, I’m going to leave it here. I always want to make sure what I am sharing with others is what God is prompting me to say.

Was this encouraging to you? Leave me a comment on my Instagram or Facebook Page to let me know. And if you have other thoughts or ideas I’d love to hear those too.

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Entry #16 Share Your Story of Becoming a Mother

It's hard to believe I started my very first blog about my journey to motherhood just over two years ago! As I revisit it, I am filled with thankfulness for the journey, awe for how the journey has been going and encouragement because of the connections I have made on this journey.

Just over two years ago, I took a leap of faith and shared about my desire to become a mom and the difficult journey I was in at the time. It was a leap of faith because I was trusting in God's plan that He too was going to let me become a mommy. Deep in my heart I had confidence in God and His plan that this would come to fruition and now two years later, I'm going to celebrate my second Mother's Day as a mom with my beautiful 18 month old daughter. I will admit, I was quite anxious along the journey, my faith was tested because I wanted things to happen in my timing, and I often felt drained from all of the negative results that would come back, whether it was from tests related to pregnancy or not being matched with the baby that was to be ours. I can say with absolute certainty, that those "no" answers were "not yet" answers. I can't imagine my life without any other child but the one I have been blessed with through adoption.

Throughout my journey, I have had the privilege of talking with, praying with, praying for and giving advice to fellow females who were also on the journey to motherhood. Many of them are now mommies! And some are still on their journey. But as I have learned, it is just a "not yet" for them. And so, because of all these amazing stories of bravery from these women willing to share with me, this project idea came to life. I thought my initial blog would just be used in the moment while I was living it. But two years later, I still am able to help others along their journey. So, I write this new post, in hopes that it will encourage more women along their journeys. If you're a fellow female struggling with infertility, have had miscarriages, have had failed IUIs or IVFs, haven't been matched with your baby through adoption or whatever roadblock may be in the way of you becoming a mom, stay strong. Any time I talk with my female friends asking about my journey, I am sure to give this advice: The path that God has you on to become a mommy is between you and God. You have to pray earnestly, listen carefully, discern wisely, for only you and God know what He is truly telling you. Ask others to pray for sure, but know that your path is going to look different than my path, or any other's for that matter. Along your journey, you're going to hear many voices giving their opinions. Keep these tucked away and pray that God shows what He wants you to hear. Keep hope that God knows your desires and will open your eyes to what needs to happen. Be open to things you may not have thought were options before. This is probably my most important advice I share with those I talk with, and so I want to share it with those who may be reading.

When I think of all of the women who have shared their journey with me, I know I felt so encouraged to know there was someone else out there who could related to my experiences. That is where this Mother May I project comes in! It's a play of words on the game, Mother May I, plus the month of May includes Mother's Day. I asked other mommies to share their BRAVE stories in hopes that it could encourage other women on their journey to motherhood. I also hope it can encourage current mommies to remember the special moments of motherhood and for us to be thankful, aware and compassionate towards our fellow females who are hoping to be mommies one day!

With that, here are some BRAVE stories of women and their journey towards motherhood. May it encourage you! Feel free to share it with anyone you think needs to hear this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the start of my journey to motherhood, I had accepted that my husband and I would probably resort to insemination, but I was deflated to find that IVF was essentially our only option. This option required me to face my crippling fear of needles and the anxiety of being physically uncomfortable in general. With two failed attempts, my emotions were disoriented and my faith was thoroughly tested. It wasn't until the third IVF attempt (backed by a thousand prayers) that we finally got pregnant. This Mother's Day marks EXACTLY two years to the day from the start of my IVF process and I get to celebrate with my two month old baby boy, alongside my extremely supportive husband.
~Simone S.


Last summer, I had a rough first pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage/D&C at 12 weeks. I spent several months following that scared, upset and unsure of a future child. 4 months later, we found out we were pregnant again. This one proved to also be difficult in the first trimester resulting in a few ER trips. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant. She is healthy and due in July. Our three year old is very excited to meet her sister.
~Chelsea, mother with one on the way!


I ventured into motherhood rather quickly. When I met my husband, I learned he had a six-year-old daughter. I was apprehensive at first, never thinking I belonged in the role as a step-parent. But fast forward eleven years…we are married with three beautiful children. I could not imagine my life without my seventeen-year-old (bonus) daughter. She has taught me so much about myself as a mother and as a person. I was blessed again with another daughter nine years ago. She is the best surprise I have ever received. Then, when my husband and I decided to grow our family one more time, we were struck with heartbreak. The one time we planned to be pregnant, we experienced a miscarriage. But God is an awesome God and carried us through. He blessed us a year later with our son. Motherhood is one of the hardest journeys of my life, but it is one of the greatest and most rewarding. I am eternally grateful to my God for choosing me to parent the children he has given me.
“Psalm 127:3: "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
~Ann, raising my tribe on Jesus :: Mia, Addison, JJ


Mike and I were married seven years before I finally conceived - we were ALL so excited! Two months in, my body rejected this little soul and I had a miscarriage. I thought my world ended. The next year I conceived again and we had Andrew! Three years later, I had another miscarriage. Then another three years went by and we had James! Now our boys are grown with children of their own. So I know that this journey was God’s plan all along.
~Debbie, Mother of Andrew and James,
Gram of Autumn, Macy, Eli, Beau and Emma


I was twenty-five years old the first time I went to the doctor to find out why I wasn’t getting pregnant. The doctor dismissed me by saying that I was young and had many years to try to get pregnant. I’m now fifty-two years old and menopausal and have NEVER been pregnant. So it goes to show that you need to be your own advocate, no matter what your age is. It was nearly five years later when the same endocrinologist told me that I had a rare condition that had no research, no solution, that I would probably NEVER get pregnant and should consider a donor embryo or adoption. At that point, I had already been on several adoption lists for two years. And literally, nine months after that conversation, our first child was born. He is now twenty-three years old. We also adopted our daughter who is now twenty-one. Both are the joys of our lives.
~Kelli Davis


I always knew my purpose in life was to be a mother, but I also knew deep down that getting there would be a struggle. After five years of miscarriage, failed IUIs, and endless heartache, we finally brought home my little boy with the help of IVF. He’s my whole world, and I’m so glad I stayed determined and leaned on science when I needed it. Looking back, the wait had a purpose, as so many other aspects of our lives have fallen into place in that time. This year, I’ll spend my second Mother’s Day cherishing my son and celebrating our second child due in December (also thanks to IVF!).
~Megan, proud mom to Charlie and Baby#2


For three years of Mother’s Day church services, I, along with my husband and family, would stand up when our pastor asked if there were any women who were hoping to become mothers. After two miscarriages and three unsuccessful IUIs, I kept hope in God that He would allow me to become a Mommy, even though it was difficult at times to stay strong. This Mother’s Day will be the second year I celebrate it with my precious daughter. God brought us together through adoption, and looking back, I see how God was orchestrating every detail all along.
~Michelle, mother of Maddy and follower of Christ


Fourteen years into our marriage, after many infertility struggles, we chose adoption. Taking this journey of faith, trusting the Lord with all of the details, our baby girl came home with us in January 2021. The road was so bumpy at times! But God had every detail covered. We’re here - she’s here - and I’m a mom. This will be my first Mother’s Day as a mom, at 44 years old. It’s surreal and beautiful and all glory to God.
~Fellow Mommy


When I had Nahla, I was in college and unmarried. When she was six, she was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. We prayed. God healed. Years later, I married Stefen. We became a blended family. For seven months, we tried to get pregnant but couldn’t. When we did, it was right after my dad passed away. We did a home birth. When she was born, she took a breath, stopped breathing, and turned blue in my arms. My husband and I prayed over her together. Today, Nia is three. In September, we had our son. I was considered high risk, was iron deficient, switched doctors at 35 weeks, and birthed him in a pandemic...but we never stopped praying. We named him Seven because we believe that God will complete every work in us; all we need to do is remain in prayer and know that God will do all that He said He would do.
~Nadirah, God’s daughter, Stefen’s wife, and mother of Nahla, Nia, and Seven


Sometimes when you pray for a miracle, you get two! After battling with infertility for three and a half years that included countless doctor appointments, labs, medications, fertility procedures, surgeries, high hopes followed by huge disappointments, and a miscarriage, I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant with twins! The years leading up to that moment were filled with many lows and “why us?” moments. However, my husband and I remained true to our faith and kept praying and believing. With the support of our family and close friends, we believed somehow, someway, God had a plan, no matter how hopeless we felt. He sure did have a plan! We learned His timing may not be our timing, but God is faithful and will never leave you or forsake you.
~Cheryl, mother of twin daughters

Entry #15 The Moment I Met...My Baby Girl

The moment I met my daughter is one that is happily solidified in my memory. I remember my husband and me walking into the hospital and being nervous to find our baby girl. My eyes immediately were drawn to the cutest baby in the room but I thought to myself, don’t get your hopes up, our baby can’t be this perfect. After having multiple miscarriages and failed IUIs, I was guarding my heart during the whole adoption process and didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. Even though I had my hope in God and trusted in His plan the whole time, being in the midst of it, I didn’t know where His plan would lead.

So back to my baby girl. I saw her all bundled up in her blanket, peacefully sleeping. Almost as if waiting for her Mommy and Daddy. And just typing this makes me tear up with happiness. That perfectly cute baby was our daughter. My heart was pounding and I was in a state of excitement, gratefulness and nervousness the whole time we were together in the hospital. Since then, when I recall those first few moments and days, I get so emotional and thankful for what came to be.

As many know, I read at least one book a day to my daughter. As I read more and more books, I’m impressed with their features, wowed with their art, humored with their rhymes and sometimes shocked with the lack of story. But most of all, while reading, I was saddened to find barely any of these baby books showing realistic images and stories that featured adoptive families. I know there are plenty out there, mostly picture books with lots of words, too many for reading to a young baby. But also, not enough books that just have the idea of adoption woven into the story without having to outright say it the whole book. For example, when I tried finding a baby memory book or a first year book to make, almost all of them featured pages about being pregnant, having sonogram pictures, and baby arrival preparation. These are such wonderful events! I was able to share in the excitement of them with my sister during her two pregnancies. But for me and my daughter, we needed different ideas. Side note, my sister ended up buying me a custom made memory book for my daughter's first year! And I made a few of my own photo books. 

But the idea carried over to the books I was reading to my baby girl. Since I couldn’t find what I was looking for, I went ahead and wrote it! One of my dream jobs is to be a children’s book writer. During my first few years as a teacher, I wrote two middle grade books that my third and fifth grade students loved. But since then, the idea was on the back burner for a variety of reasons.

The writing bug came back when I felt God prompt me to first begin my blog about our journey to parenthood. The response was and is overwhelmingly amazing. The idea that our words, whether written or spoken, can potentially be life changing for others is a responsibility I don’t take lightly and am honored to have the ability to help others. As a matter of fact, someone who read my blog, asked me to reach out to her sister and help them on their adoption journey. And they’re about to adopt a baby!! God put me in a place where I had the opportunity to help their journey to parenthood and that baby to have a loving home and family to be part of! Life changing!! 

So I enthusiastically wrote this picture book for my baby. To try to express my immense love for her that began the moment I met her. And if it is a book that other adoptive parents can read to their baby too, then that’s all bonus! Plus, it was a fun project to work on with my sisters, one who illustrated, and the other who edited and brought the whole thing together. Their support and encouragement pushes me to keep writing. For that I am eternally grateful to have such amazing sisters.

My purpose in writing will always be to make a positive impact on others, to share love, and to show hope in God. As the pastor at our church has said, as long as there is Jesus, there is hope. Meaning, even when I didn’t know if I would become a mom, I knew I could put my Hope in God’s plan. That I could trust in God and no matter the outcome, I knew it was His plan. A small part of me wondered if I could get to be a mom, but most of me knew in my heart that God placed that desire there and my hope would come to fruition one day.

And to think, it all came together the moment I met my baby girl.

**My book, The Moment I Met You by Michelle Holly is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle form.

Entry #14 One Year Later

It is hard to believe that one year ago we met our daughter for the first time! I still remember the day so vividly and pondering it brings happy tears to my eyes. Getting a call just a few hours before she was about to be born! Being asked if we wanted to adopt a baby girl! Flying out the next day and getting the power of attorney to go see her for the first time! Seeing her face and holding her for a few hours! Okay here come the tears.

This year’s birthday is a little more special because it is the first one we are spending it with our daughter. Last year, we met her on day two. So this is a huge deal for our family. Getting to celebrate the little bundle of joy who has added so much happiness and love to our family.

A few times I have thought, what if we had said no? What if we didn’t get to be her parents and we weren’t ready for whatever God was leading us to? There are a lot of questions I contemplate from time to time. I get so sad thinking about this one though. I usually dust it off and hug my baby even tighter and give her an extra kiss and proclaim, “I’m so glad God brought us together!” I am so grateful we didn’t miss out on what God had in store for us. I remember being anxious for something to happen and asking God, “When and why not now?” But as I learned in my own journey, God’s timing is perfect.

I have been honored to listen and advise some women on their paths to motherhood. It is a privilege when others ask me to talk with them as they are going through a similar experience as I did. Please, if you know of any women who have had a miscarriage, is infertile, is contemplating adoption, reach out and I would be happy to chat with them. I am still praying on “Mommy Mondays”. I originally started my blog sharing about my own two miscarriages and was in the midst of mental chaos when it came to my desire to become a mom. I didn’t know where the journey would lead, but I trusted in God and kept my hope in His Plan. And now, I feel like I’m at the other end of the rainbow. My daughter is better than any pot of gold, but I can say with confidence that God led me upon a path I am grateful to have experienced. I enjoy testifying to God’s hope and what He can do in your life. I have a story to share and you do too!

One of the most beautiful things that have come out of the year is the outpouring of love and excitement for our family. Each week I posted an update of our baby girl and there were so many wonderful comments. People asked how she was doing, followed her progress, shared in our excitement of her milestones and just genuinely cheered us on. It has opened my heart even more to return these sentiments to others when befitting.

I love being a Mom. I was an aunt for six years before having a child of my own. I did all of the fun things with my nieces. Shared in birthdays, holidays and celebrations. Traveled with them. Bought them all kinds of fun things. Read books with them. Taught them. Enjoyed watching them grow and learn. And now I get to do all of these things with a child of my own. Sometimes I’ll just sit back and watch my daughter in awe at these opportunities. And then I’ll get even more emotional thinking about how quickly life goes by and I want to make sure I enjoy every moment. Recently, we went to Magic Kingdom and at the end of the night, we picked out a Minnie Mouse toy for my daughter. I’ve always let my nieces pick out something special and now, the idea of getting to pick out something special for my child made me giddy! While planning my daughter's first birthday, I loved getting to pick out a birthday outfit for her! We started a tradition of wearing matching PJs on the night before her birthday. All of the things I have seen my parents do for us, and all of things I have seen my sister do for her daughters, I get to do for my own child!

What has this past year taught me? That I have a story to share with others. Everyone does. My daughter is a living testimony of God’s blessing and what He can do in our lives. More than I could ever have imagined. And He can do the same for you.