Our Journey Towards Being Parents
This title makes it
seem as though my husband and I are going to share our journey of how we became
parents, doesn’t it? Well, actually, we
aren’t parents…yet. We are in the midst
of that journey. Too often I read or
hear stories after the journey, once we know everything turned out the way we
wanted and how God worked things out as we hoped. I want to share our journey in the present
tense. Meaning, we don’t know how God is going to work things out, but I do know
that God works for those who live according to His purpose. And just because we know God
works things out doesn’t mean He works things out as we want them. Keeping steadfast faith in God for however He
chooses to works things out is having hope.
Hope that no matter the outcome, we know that God is working. See Romans 8:28.
I’m going to share a glimpse into a current journey of
mine. I haven’t shared with too many
people for various reasons. One, if you
haven’t been on a similar path, it’s hard to relate. Another, I don’t like to
come across as soliciting pity or sorrow from others. Three, I didn’t think this journey would last
so long and would therefore share the end result. But recently at church, our pastor taught a
few messages and something in each one was like a prompt from the Holy Spirit
for me to open up and share. And then
our church had a guest speaker, Hosanna Wong, share her message titled “I Have a New Name”. At the end of the message she had us stand when our new name that
God gave us was mentioned and it was clear that my new name is Messenger. I do
this with friends and people I encounter. But to do this with anyone who might
come across these written words is somewhat daunting. You may not know me and
know where I’m coming from. But all the
reasons why I shouldn’t share come from the enemy. Hosanna Wong went on to say that our new name
is what the enemy doesn’t want us to acknowledge. And in this denial of how God
defines us keeps us at bay with sharing God’s goodness and helping others in
similar situations. See II Corinthians 1:3-4. Once I was able to open up and share a
little, I found out a few current and past colleagues were having the same
struggles. If, in my own small reach of
the world I was able to offer where my hope comes from, then surely this
messenger can reach others. And so, my journey is part of my new name. I write to you as a messenger wanting you to
know where my hope comes from and how I can know for sure God works things out
for those who are called according to His purpose.
I got married when I was 37. My husband was 38 and we both
waited a long time for God to give us our match. That in itself is another journey. If you’re single, have hope in God that His timing is perfect, despite what others
and the world says. Anyhow, we started trying to have a child about a year into
our marriage. Being older, I read all of the statistics and odds against
us. I had faith in God though, if He
wanted us to have child, He would work it out.
So after about a year, I finally tested positive on a pregnancy test in
February of last year. It was an excitement like I never felt before. Yet, at the same time, I was very cautious to
not get my hopes too high. This is the
realistic and pragmatic part of me. What
seemed to take forever in time was the day I had the first ultrasound to check
on the status of the pregnancy. The
doctor came in the room and told me that there was a 95% this would end in a
miscarriage. I couldn’t believe nor
understand what he was saying. I was to
come back in one week to see an updated change. That week was spring break for
us so during that whole week we were praying for that 5% chance. I knew that God could work a miracle if He
wanted to. It was a relaxing yet somber
week at the beach. The second ultrasound showed no chance whatsoever for the
pregnancy and I had a few choices: have a procedure to clean out my uterus,
take some pills to speed up the process or wait it out naturally. I chose the
pills and it ended up being the worse pain I’ve ever felt in my life,
physically and emotionally.
During this process, I realized the doctor and his office were
not up to my standards at all. So
ladies, if you feel like your doctor isn’t providing the care you need and it’s
an option to try other doctors, go for it.
The next month I switched doctor offices and scheduled an annual check
up to see how this new office was. The
nurse was amazing and we talked about my desire to get pregnant. She asked if I
was using an ovulation kit, which I was very thankful that she asked. The
previous doctor told me to use the 10-10-10 rule, which was not that accurate. I knew this new nurse/office was already giving me personalized care.
The next month, June, I was pregnant again. And the
excitement was there again, but even more cautiousness arose. Perhaps the Holy Spirit was guarding my
heart, but this too resulted in a miscarriage.
Two miscarriages within five months was quite devastating. The more I
read online, the more I found the statistics for multiple miscarriages and my
advancing age towards 40. Even so, I kept my hope in God, even though it was
very difficult at times. I kept asking God questions but realized my desire for
answers were the enemy throwing curve balls at me to distract me from my hope in
God.
I went back to the same nurse in August and she recommended
a fertility clinic. I only had six
months until I was forty, so I jumped on that referral and had a bunch of tests
done. Two months of tests resulted in no answers. I read online that it’s called infertility
due to unknown reasons. This was good
and bad news. Good news because my aging parts were still working but bad news
because there wasn’t an explanation for why my aging parts weren’t
working. There were alternative options
and my husband and I chose IUI. Mainly because it was a low cost, low risk
option for possible pregnancy. We tried
three rounds over the next three months. The last round would show the results
in January, right after I turned 40.
After the first two didn’t work, I had high hopes that round three would
work. But alas, it did not work and I
turned 40, knowing I wasn’t going to be pregnant before this monumental moment
in life. I celebrated all month long with loved ones and definitely still
enjoyed life. But deep inside was a
sadness that I hadn’t experienced before. We had already decided three rounds
would be it because we felt if God wanted to make that happen, He would have.
We didn’t want to try IVF due to my age and the monetary investment it would
take. Instead, we would rather invest
that money in the adoption process.
So, here I am, almost exactly one year after that week of wondering
about the 5% chance. Now I wonder, will
we find a child to adopt? Will we have one naturally? Will we have both? Will
we have neither? Will we ever become parents? Will we never become parents?
Will I be okay with whatever outcome?
Truthfully, I don’t know if I will be okay. And that’s because I am asking about me. When I put God in the question, I ask, Will I
be okay with whatever God’s outcome is? Will I be okay with however God works
things out? That makes it easier to say yes. God loves me and has given me desires in my
heart. When my Hope comes from Him and is in Him, I know I can say, I will be
okay with whatever outcome God chooses.
And so I share my journey in the midst of it. To share with
you where my hope comes from. To be a messenger that wants you to know that God
gives us the hope we need.
What’s the journey you’re on? Ask yourself the possible
outcomes that can be. And then ask if you’re okay with however God chooses the
outcome to be. What verses do you need stuck
in your head to remind you of God’s hope? Who do you need to share with to
encourage others along on their journey?
Stay strong with hope in God,
Michelle
