Entry #15 The Moment I Met...My Baby Girl

The moment I met my daughter is one that is happily solidified in my memory. I remember my husband and me walking into the hospital and being nervous to find our baby girl. My eyes immediately were drawn to the cutest baby in the room but I thought to myself, don’t get your hopes up, our baby can’t be this perfect. After having multiple miscarriages and failed IUIs, I was guarding my heart during the whole adoption process and didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. Even though I had my hope in God and trusted in His plan the whole time, being in the midst of it, I didn’t know where His plan would lead.

So back to my baby girl. I saw her all bundled up in her blanket, peacefully sleeping. Almost as if waiting for her Mommy and Daddy. And just typing this makes me tear up with happiness. That perfectly cute baby was our daughter. My heart was pounding and I was in a state of excitement, gratefulness and nervousness the whole time we were together in the hospital. Since then, when I recall those first few moments and days, I get so emotional and thankful for what came to be.

As many know, I read at least one book a day to my daughter. As I read more and more books, I’m impressed with their features, wowed with their art, humored with their rhymes and sometimes shocked with the lack of story. But most of all, while reading, I was saddened to find barely any of these baby books showing realistic images and stories that featured adoptive families. I know there are plenty out there, mostly picture books with lots of words, too many for reading to a young baby. But also, not enough books that just have the idea of adoption woven into the story without having to outright say it the whole book. For example, when I tried finding a baby memory book or a first year book to make, almost all of them featured pages about being pregnant, having sonogram pictures, and baby arrival preparation. These are such wonderful events! I was able to share in the excitement of them with my sister during her two pregnancies. But for me and my daughter, we needed different ideas. Side note, my sister ended up buying me a custom made memory book for my daughter's first year! And I made a few of my own photo books. 

But the idea carried over to the books I was reading to my baby girl. Since I couldn’t find what I was looking for, I went ahead and wrote it! One of my dream jobs is to be a children’s book writer. During my first few years as a teacher, I wrote two middle grade books that my third and fifth grade students loved. But since then, the idea was on the back burner for a variety of reasons.

The writing bug came back when I felt God prompt me to first begin my blog about our journey to parenthood. The response was and is overwhelmingly amazing. The idea that our words, whether written or spoken, can potentially be life changing for others is a responsibility I don’t take lightly and am honored to have the ability to help others. As a matter of fact, someone who read my blog, asked me to reach out to her sister and help them on their adoption journey. And they’re about to adopt a baby!! God put me in a place where I had the opportunity to help their journey to parenthood and that baby to have a loving home and family to be part of! Life changing!! 

So I enthusiastically wrote this picture book for my baby. To try to express my immense love for her that began the moment I met her. And if it is a book that other adoptive parents can read to their baby too, then that’s all bonus! Plus, it was a fun project to work on with my sisters, one who illustrated, and the other who edited and brought the whole thing together. Their support and encouragement pushes me to keep writing. For that I am eternally grateful to have such amazing sisters.

My purpose in writing will always be to make a positive impact on others, to share love, and to show hope in God. As the pastor at our church has said, as long as there is Jesus, there is hope. Meaning, even when I didn’t know if I would become a mom, I knew I could put my Hope in God’s plan. That I could trust in God and no matter the outcome, I knew it was His plan. A small part of me wondered if I could get to be a mom, but most of me knew in my heart that God placed that desire there and my hope would come to fruition one day.

And to think, it all came together the moment I met my baby girl.

**My book, The Moment I Met You by Michelle Holly is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle form.

Entry #14 One Year Later

It is hard to believe that one year ago we met our daughter for the first time! I still remember the day so vividly and pondering it brings happy tears to my eyes. Getting a call just a few hours before she was about to be born! Being asked if we wanted to adopt a baby girl! Flying out the next day and getting the power of attorney to go see her for the first time! Seeing her face and holding her for a few hours! Okay here come the tears.

This year’s birthday is a little more special because it is the first one we are spending it with our daughter. Last year, we met her on day two. So this is a huge deal for our family. Getting to celebrate the little bundle of joy who has added so much happiness and love to our family.

A few times I have thought, what if we had said no? What if we didn’t get to be her parents and we weren’t ready for whatever God was leading us to? There are a lot of questions I contemplate from time to time. I get so sad thinking about this one though. I usually dust it off and hug my baby even tighter and give her an extra kiss and proclaim, “I’m so glad God brought us together!” I am so grateful we didn’t miss out on what God had in store for us. I remember being anxious for something to happen and asking God, “When and why not now?” But as I learned in my own journey, God’s timing is perfect.

I have been honored to listen and advise some women on their paths to motherhood. It is a privilege when others ask me to talk with them as they are going through a similar experience as I did. Please, if you know of any women who have had a miscarriage, is infertile, is contemplating adoption, reach out and I would be happy to chat with them. I am still praying on “Mommy Mondays”. I originally started my blog sharing about my own two miscarriages and was in the midst of mental chaos when it came to my desire to become a mom. I didn’t know where the journey would lead, but I trusted in God and kept my hope in His Plan. And now, I feel like I’m at the other end of the rainbow. My daughter is better than any pot of gold, but I can say with confidence that God led me upon a path I am grateful to have experienced. I enjoy testifying to God’s hope and what He can do in your life. I have a story to share and you do too!

One of the most beautiful things that have come out of the year is the outpouring of love and excitement for our family. Each week I posted an update of our baby girl and there were so many wonderful comments. People asked how she was doing, followed her progress, shared in our excitement of her milestones and just genuinely cheered us on. It has opened my heart even more to return these sentiments to others when befitting.

I love being a Mom. I was an aunt for six years before having a child of my own. I did all of the fun things with my nieces. Shared in birthdays, holidays and celebrations. Traveled with them. Bought them all kinds of fun things. Read books with them. Taught them. Enjoyed watching them grow and learn. And now I get to do all of these things with a child of my own. Sometimes I’ll just sit back and watch my daughter in awe at these opportunities. And then I’ll get even more emotional thinking about how quickly life goes by and I want to make sure I enjoy every moment. Recently, we went to Magic Kingdom and at the end of the night, we picked out a Minnie Mouse toy for my daughter. I’ve always let my nieces pick out something special and now, the idea of getting to pick out something special for my child made me giddy! While planning my daughter's first birthday, I loved getting to pick out a birthday outfit for her! We started a tradition of wearing matching PJs on the night before her birthday. All of the things I have seen my parents do for us, and all of things I have seen my sister do for her daughters, I get to do for my own child!

What has this past year taught me? That I have a story to share with others. Everyone does. My daughter is a living testimony of God’s blessing and what He can do in our lives. More than I could ever have imagined. And He can do the same for you.

Entry #13 Mother's Day 2020!!

Today is Mother’s Day. Needless to say, my first as a mother so this day takes on a whole new meaning for me.

Just last year, I stood in church, asking for prayer for a child with my family gathered around me. I couldn’t have imagined that one year later I would have a beautiful baby girl. I still tear up when I think of the amazing way God worked out the details of our daughter for us to be a family.

And now on Mother’s Day, I ponder the hopes and prayers I have for being my daughter's mom. I’ve had a place reserved in my heart for my own child that I had hoped would come one day. My heart now overflows with unconditional love and awe at our baby. At any time during the day, I can be heard saying “you’re so cute” or “baby genius” or “I’m so thankful God brought us together”. While my heart is in constant dreamland, I hope I will be the best mom possible to our daughter.

With that being said, here’s a letter to my baby girl.


My dear precious sweet baby girl,

I am forever grateful to have you as my daughter. From the moment I met you, I thought you were absolutely beautiful. You were smiling since week one, I just knew yours were genuine smiles. And now seeing how you are at six months, you smile and laugh constantly. The smile you wear on the outside is the smile you put on my heart inside.

Your smile and laughter brings happiness to others too. I hope to help instill in you a love for God and people. A love that comes from God and shows His love for us.

I hope to love you in whatever way is necessary for you to be a strong, confident, intelligent and compassionate person.

I hope to give you various opportunities at different talents so we can find the ones you like, enjoy doing and excel at.

I hope I will forever remember how grateful I am to be your mother. Mother’s Day originated as a day to celebrate mothers and visit them. I have heard many women's challenges of their paths to motherhood, and some still wait. Since I have personally experienced this, I know that coming into motherhood isn’t easy, as being a mother isn’t either.

However things don’t need to be easy for me to appreciate them. When I change a poop diaper, I’m happy to know your excretory system is working. When I wash your clothes, I’m thankful to have appliances to do so and many clothes that were gifted to us. When Daddy washes your bottles, we’re thankful you’re growing at a healthy rate. When you spit up on my clothes, it’s funny to know what mothers meant when they’d say your clothes will reach a new kind of dirty. When it’s bath time, I know we are fortunate to have clean water.

Baby girl, I hope to pass on the knowledge of the power of prayer. On Mommy Mondays, you and I get to pray together. We have some friends who want to be mommies and we pray God will lead them on the path to motherhood too. We also pray for your birth mother. We are thankful for the choice she made to give you life and we pray you can meet her one day, if you want.

Baby girl, I hope you and your sweet cousins will continue to grow in love. You get so excited to see them and they love you so much in return.

Baby girl, I hope I will always see the positive in every situation. And in every situation I hope you’ll always see my love for you.

Our first Mother’s Day together is being spent in the same way the day originally originated, enjoying time together. Time, as we know, flies by. I hope I make every moment of the time we have together,

With love,
Mommy

Entry #12 Adoption Day!!

Today is the day our daughter officially became legally ours! She’s been ours since we met, but now, it’s legal and we will soon have a birth certificate with her name and us as her parents. 

I haven’t written a post since we first adopted our daughter. Mostly due to time and wanting to cherish every moment with our little bundle of love and joy. Partly because I haven’t wanted to say it out loud, almost like walking on egg shells, that we are officially her parents. The months leading up to Adoption Day were a little nerve-wracking for me.  I was continuously amazed at what God had worked out, and while I was hopeful it would all go just fine, there’s that little creeping feeling of doubt that loomed in the back of my mind. I just pushed it away until today. I am now shouting our daughter is ours! We are her Mom and Dad! 

My sister told me she was surprised to learn that I was nervous this whole time. She said she was too, but that I was playing it cool and she didn’t know. I told her that this whole thing was almost too good to be true. And you know what nugget of wisdom she came up with? “It’s too God not to be true!”

The last three months have been amazing, full of love, new experiences, learning curves, adjustments, and thankfulness.  Having been heavily involved with my younger sister and brother and two nieces from their birth, I knew a lot of what to expect, so I feel like I was above average prepared for the changes.  Each time I think back to the call we got about our daughter and those first few weeks, my eyes tear up at the immense happiness that brought. And since then, there have been so many awe-filled moments.

While out of town, we stayed with our cousins.  They were extremely gracious hosts, helped in any way they could, kept their fridge stocked and let us borrow their truck for trips back and forth to the hospital.  It was a cherished time of being together. The night we flew back home with our baby girl, our family surprised us with the nursery better than I could have dreamed of. Our daughter absolutely loves it and we love being in there with her.  During Thanksgiving week, we went on a road trip up to NYC and shared some wonderful memories. My sisters threw our family a “Welcome Home Shower” with details that were only matched by all of the love shown to us by all who attended. Our first Christmas as a family of three was a dream come true.  We spent New Year’s at Disney's Fort Wilderness cabins and ventured into 2020 together with our family. My 41st birthday was the best one yet, my first one as a mommy. So many lovely opportunities with our daughter, our family and lot of love.

And don’t get me started on the cuteness of my two nieces and how much they love our daughter. My six-year-old niece recently read three books to my daughter, in the same fashion that I read them, making them interactive and having her put her hands on the touch and feel parts of the page.  My niece also asks a lot of deep questions, like when are we going to tell our daughter her adoption story. When she’s older, she said she wants to have a biological baby and adopt a baby and that she wants to be a great mom like me. She gives great compliments! And she is getting well acquainted with vocabulary like birth mother, adopted, biological and trusting in God. All this from a six year old!  My three-year-old niece loves baby dolls and my daughter is a live baby doll to her! She loves running for her pacifier, shaking the formula mix in her bottle and feeding her, kissing her, hugging her, holding her hand and helping me change her diapers. Recently, she said she would like to help me give my daughter a bath and try helping with a poopoo diaper! The other day, my six-year-old niece asked me if I was going to have another baby and I told her we will trust in God for that. She said, but she needs a sister! And you know what the three year old niece said? She said “We are her sisters!?”  Since my daughter has arrived, I have said how important it is for them to love her, not just as cousins, but as sisters and I want the three of them to be the best of friends. To hear my three-year-old niece get this concept filled my heart with joy. They love her so much, as I love them so much too!

I love reflecting back on the timing and perfected details of this journey. 

I started this blog about our Journey to Parenthood and opened up for the first time about the pain of loss and desire for a child in March of 2019.  Our daughter had just come into being in her birth mother’s womb within a month or two of me starting my blog. The whole time I wrote new posts about having hope in God for us to become parents, our daughter was being wonderfully and fearfully made in her birth mother’s womb.

The first miscarriage I had would have resulted in a baby being born in October 2018. Our daughter came to us exactly one year later in October 2019.

I started 2019 with kicking off my 40th birthday, knowing our last attempt at IUI didn’t work. I finished 2019 as a mom and started 2020 by celebrating my 41st with my daughter!

When my husband and I first started the paperwork process for adopting, and we learned of the high cost, I told my husband and my sister, something I felt God revealed to me.  Instead of stressing about not being about to afford an adoption, I felt that there would be a couple at our church who would step in and help cover the cost of it. This was way early in the process.  After going to a meeting at our church, the person in charge of the foster and adoption care ministry called me to say that there was a couple who has been looking to partner along with a couple wanting to adopt.  Can you believe that their donation to our adoption account, matched by a $4,000 grant from our church, covered most of the lawyer’s fees, so much so, that we were easily able to pay the rest of balance without having to take out a loan?  God is amazing. And this couple will testify that when our pastor called for those to help with this ministry, they just wanted to be obedient to God and do their part. They will forever be a part of our daughter's life.

Which just adds to our daughter's story and God’s goodness and the power of prayer and hope.  I will admit, it got tough at times and sometimes I wasn’t sure if I was doing all that I should be doing or if I was doing too much. I just kept going back to trusting in God with hope and asking close family and friends for prayer. 

You know the saying, life is a journey or how people say they enjoy the journey, not just the destination? This journey to parenthood had a lot packed in, and the destination of getting our daughter to be in our family was so worth it.  As I write this, she’s sleeping in my arms and my fingers keep resting on the keyboard so I can just stare at her beautiful face, her tiny fingers, her peaceful breathing. My husband and I recently exclaimed how good she is at just being on the go with us. My husband hesitated to say it out loud because he didn’t want to jinx it.  I said, it’s okay, we can say it as much as we want because when this phase ends, we will be grateful for what comes next.

On this next part of our journey, I hope and pray that we will have the wisdom, strength, guidance and love for our baby girl.  And that I relish in each phase and enjoy each moment of our beautiful gift from God. It’s too God not to be true.